What I Stand to Gain

“The same convictions I hold dear, I also betray. The same people I love, I also hurt. The same God I honor, I also defy.”

The above statement rings true to me.

I hate that it is likely true of me, but I doubt I am the only one who sees his reflection in these lines.

This begs three questions:

How is it that I hold a conviction with such reverence and determination one moment and yet cast it aside the next?

I believe it is wrong to lie. Lying is an attempt to twist reality. But sometimes, I still lie.

I believe it is wrong to give in to fear. Fear is the enemy of courage and faith. But sometimes, I still act out of fear.

I believe it is wrong to become prideful. Pride marks the downfall of man. But, sometimes, I still revel in its glory.

Why is it that I love people so completely and earnestly one moment, and yet place myself before them the next?

I love as a brother, yet jealousy bubbles beneath the surface.

I love as a friend, yet I judge as if I were without fault.

I love as a son, yet I cast respect to the wayside.

Why is it that I honor God with everything I am one moment, and yet rebel against Him the next?

I want to live in the Light, but sometimes the Darkness seems more promising.

I want to trust His ways, but sometimes I put more faith in my own plans.

I want to live according to His teachings, but sometimes I prefer to walk my own path.

How could I ever come to understand this dichotomy?

How can I understand that I chose to betray the convictions I hold dear, hurt the people I love, and defy the God I honor?

I have a somewhat satisfactory answer; one which is actually more of a question:

How does it serve me?

If you have read “A Wolf to Man”, you know that, to a large degree, we are not geared to seek truth, live morally, and embody humility and selflessness. We are geared to survive. That is the wolf in us. It values the survival of one’s body, ego, and social status.

In essence, this struggle I face is simply the recognition that I have been formed from the dust of this earth. I have a darkness in me; we all do. It wants to survive. It wants to be first. It wants to win.

And sometimes, I resort to betraying myself in order to triumph.

I gain something by lying.

Lying allows me to avoid potential consequences and hold on to a coveted status among my peers.

I gain something by bolstering my pride.

Pride protects me; it is like a suit of armor guarding my fragile ego.

I gain something by judging others.

Through judging others, I allow myself to look past my own flaws and ignore the changes that I need to make.

I also gain something by defying God.

By challenging His authority, I take on the mantle of a god in His stead.

So, the question I ask myself is this:

How does this betrayal serve me?

If I choose to act in a way that betrays my values, it must be because I stand to gain something that I desperately want.

How does the lie serve me?

How does pride serve me?

How does defiance serve me?

This question helps me understand myself. I could, of course, remain content by just telling myself, “From now on, I won’t betray my convictions.” But then I would be lying to myself. That would be little more than a superficial wall of defense. That would be an ill-fated attempt to ignore the darkness within me instead of combating it.

That is not enough.

I must instead come to recognize what I’m trying to gain through the betrayal of my convictions; then I can stand by these convictions even more strongly.

I must instead come to understand why I hurt those I love; then I can love them even more selflessly.

Finally, I must come to realize why I defy God; then I can honor Him even more wholeheartedly.

And for this reason, I ask myself, “How does this betrayal serve me?”

Only then can I understand the darkness within me.

Only then can I combat it.

'Blur' - I learn the hard way that squeaky brakes should not be oiled.