Self-Flagellation

There's an old joke I like that goes like this:

I was walking down the street when I noticed some scoundrels in a dark alleyway – there were three of ‘em. They were standing around this little fellow, giving him quite a beating. He was busted up pretty good. I didn’t like the look of it, so I headed straight over there to help out...

Let me tell you, that little fellow didn’t stand a chance against the four of us.

That is some classic comedy right there – a predictable setup with a punchline that throws in an unexpected twist.

It also reveals a dark reality, though:

It is easier to beat up the little guy than it is to stand up for him.

I’m certain many of you are familiar with the following situation:

You have a big interview, a conversation with your spouse, an exam, an interaction with a stranger, a decision to make … and you blow it.

You can’t believe it. You’ve done it again. You should know better by now! Why do you keep doing this?! If only you had thought clearly for a moment. If only you had prepared better. If only, if only,… But no. You MESSED UP again. Typical you.

You beat yourself up. That is what you deserve after all. How else are you going to learn?

You are now the little guy, the one taking a beating in the alleyway. BUT you are not only the little guy. You have also become the scoundrel who is beating up the little guy. You are both.

Why do we humans do this?

Why do we beat ourselves up when we make mistakes?

Why is compassion for oneself so difficult to display?

I believe I have an answer to these questions, but it is not a pretty one:

We engage in these acts of self-flagellation because it is the easiest option.

It is easier to beat up the little guy than to stand up for him.

Self-flagellation only requires one to recognize a mistake. That is enough for it to take action. It does not need to understand, be patient, show compassion, and be forgiving. It does not need to take the time to observe what went wrong. It does not need to learn from the mistakes made so it can avoid them next time or fix things this time. It has only one task: to find the guilty and release anger and frustration upon him.

YOU are the guilty, so that task is not too difficult.

The act of beating up the little guy (oneself) is easy.

The consequences, though, are hard. After all, it is difficult to learn when you are busy playing judge, jury, executioner, and defendant all at once.

And so, the same mistakes that took place this time are likely to be repeated again and again.

But what if you stand up for the little guy?

What if, when you find yourself in a dark alleyway and those scoundrel voices in your head start punching you, you don’t join them but hold them off for just a moment?

“Say,” you might remark as you grab a flying fist, “What is it that this poor feller’s done that’s got y’all so riled up?”

The bullies would certainly be surprised to see you intervene instead of joining in, as the joke would have them expect.

“I’ll tell you what he’s done,” the first may snarl. “He’s making us look bad out there.”

“Yeah, yeah!” the others would likely join in. “Rest assured, he deserves this!”

“Now, now, gents,” you would reply calmly, “I’m sure there are reasons for what he has done. If he’s made a mistake, I bet it is not because he wants us to look bad. If we all just cool down a bit, I’m sure we could understand what is going on here. First, how ‘bout we help this poor feller to his feet. Then I’ve got some questions that might shed some light in this dark alley.”

Now, you wouldn’t be in the clear yet. You are still pretty angry with yourself, but you’ve bought yourself some time and are prepared to consider a few questions.

You would then help yourself to your feet and ask, “Are you alright, poor sir? It looks like you’ve taken some pretty good licks.

Why are you getting dealt this beating? You know, this won’t help you. You’ll just end up lying here with bumps and bruises. This punishment won’t undo any past decisions you've made.

This mistake – will it matter sometime down the road, or does it just seem big right now?

Is there a way we can still prevent the consequences? And if not, will you be able to roll with the punches and be alright? … pardon the pun, I’m sure you’re not in the mood for such language.”

It’s usually at this point that the scoundrel voices try to get your attention again, telling you this problem cannot be overcome. Sure, you have overcome EVERY SINGLE challenge in the past – this is proven by the fact that you are still standing here – but this one, THIS ONE, is an entirely different matter.

Those voices must now be ignored. They speak only because they fear they are losing their audience … for good reason.

“Here is the truth,” you would then continue telling yourself, “Dust off your coat and lace up your shoes. Be patient with yourself. Sometimes we mess up. You recognize your mistake, and that is a crucial first step, but you will gain nothing by punishing yourself when you have already pleaded guilty. It is time to leave that in the past and move forward.

Alright, what observations can be made? What can be learned from this situation? What action can be taken?

It is all too easy to get pulled into our world of fantasies, where we suffer more in imagination than in reality. Let’s not dwell on what could happen but simply head out of this dark alleyway and then take a step in the right direction.”

By now, the scoundrel-voices are gone. You help yourself out of the alley as the walls tell you that you do not deserve to leave without taking at least a few more licks.

You leave anyway.

As you see, there really is quite a bit to learn from an old joke like that…

Don’t tick off any scoundrels in dark alleyways.

Stand up for the little guy.

And stop beating yourself up.