Please, Stop

“We all love ourselves more than other people but care more about their opinion than our own.” – Marcus Aurelius.

We are all prone to doing it.

We all encounter difficulties because of it.

We all betray ourselves as a result of it.

... I’m talking about people-pleasing.

It’s something that can easily sneak into our behavior without us noticing.

We like to please people because it gives the illusion that people like us more because of it, and it avoids potential conflict or relational stress for the moment. People-pleasing, comes at a high cost, however.

Let’s start with a quick definition so that we are all on the same page:

‘People-pleasing’ means you prioritize the desires of others over your own will. You sacrifice your own well-being and your values with the primary goal of gaining approval or avoiding conflict by meeting others’ expectations.

Countless problems arise through people-pleasing. Today, we will go through the ten most obvious ones. Be forewarned, some of these may appear harsh or judgmental. It is not my intention to hurt anyone if these points hit too close to home. I simply did not want to needlessly embellish my words and, in doing so, water down the message of this contemplation.

That being said, let's dive right in:

1. By prioritizing another person's desires, you cannot serve God’s desire. People-pleasing forces you to compromise your faith, preventing you from living solely for God.

2. People-pleasing does not make people love you. It makes people love that they have power over you. They don’t like you; they like that you do what they want.

3. Sacrificing your own well-being in the hope of gaining the approval of others is harmful since the approval of others is not the foundation for a purposeful and virtuous life.

4. People-pleasing means that you must, at times, sacrifice your values in favor of those of another individual. Values that are not adhered to when inconvenient are not values at all. They are more like high-held banners that are lowered when holding them becomes too strenuous.

5. Running from conflict does not resolve it. Conflict is not a virus that must be defended against but a natural feature of life. It is simply part of interacting with people, and it is unavoidable. Allowing conflict to happen when necessary and learning to deal with it calmly, respectfully, and in a civilized manner is far better than trying to escape the inescapable.

6. If the person you are trying to please is selfish or lacks integrity, you will be exploited until you finally stand up for yourself. People-pleasers voluntarily enslave themselves to the desires of others.

7. People-pleasing behavior is, at its root, manipulative. It is driven by a hidden agenda, and although it is manipulation from a point of weakness, it is still manipulation. Thus, it is unvirtuous and dishonest.

8. People-pleasing behavior means that one subconsciously believes it is better to lose oneself than it is to lose the approval of another individual. It expresses high dependency and self-doubt.

9. If the person you are trying to please wants to live virtuously, they will not want you to forfeit your values for their own. Since you are sacrificing your own emotional well-being for theirs, they will be forced to advocate for yours. Yet, they do not know what you need, and you do not truly understand what they need. This leads to miscommunication. Simply advocating for yourself lovingly and clearly allows for solid communication and strong friendship.

10. People-pleasers take responsibility for what they cannot control, such as the well-being of others and other people’s perception of them. Yet, they forfeit what they can control, such as their values and response to situations. This can only end in failure since every attempt to control the uncontrollable is futile.

I think these ten points make a solid case against people-pleasing.

That begs the question: How can it be overcome?

Recognizing one’s people-pleasing tendencies is the first step.

Recognizing that change is necessary is the second one.

Finally, we must make the necessary changes using a two-pronged approach. First, one must constantly remain aware of the tendency to act based on the wishes of another person in order to gain approval or avoid conflict. We must aggressively steer against that habit.

At the same time, it is absolutely necessary to grow in all areas of virtue as we pursue moral excellence (read more about that in ‘Of Achilles and Kephas’); this reduces the temptation to resort to people-pleasing behavior. I’ll list these qualities below, along with the contemplations I have written on them.

We must…

Grow in confidence to know you are capable of doing what is right without standing in another person’s shadow. (Deeper than the bone)

Grow in courage so you are able to act on your own beliefs instead of those of another. (Tiger)

Grow in character so you do not bend or break when challenged and refuse to manipulate others for your gain. (Beware the coward; Carved out of oak)

Grow in faith so you know that you do not walk alone but have God by your side. You can trust Him. (Just send it; Antidote)

Grow in boldness so you don’t hesitate when refusing to conform to an individual’s desires. (Bring back the Renaissance man; Be intrepidacious)

Do not think yourself so insignificant that you must please others to be valuable.

Do not think yourself so weak that you cannot stand up to others' desires.

Do not be a people-pleaser.

Life’s purpose is far too meaningful to waste time on that.

'Stare' - I realize my selfie timer is set to three seconds instead of ten.