Destined to Fail?

‘No one can make you angry without your permission.’ – Eleanor Roosevelt

In my early twenties, I played soccer. I loved the sport and the competition. I loved the thrill after a well-earned win and the hunger to defeat opponents who had previously beaten my team.

I learned something about expectations in those years. I learned how expectations could set us up to perform to the best of our abilities or cause frustration and failure.

I had many coaches during my glorious and highly decorated soccer career (I believe there were three years that we did not come in last place). Before the match, my coaches usually told the team which strategy would be used in offense and defense. During the match, they would yell out instructions and encouragement from the sidelines. After the final whistle was blown, they would help the team reflect on the game, celebrate victories with the team, and overcome defeats.

After having many different coaches, I have recognized one key quality that separates good coaches from bad coaches. It isn’t their understanding of the sport, how well they can motivate players, or even their soccer skills. What sets a good coach apart from the rest is his ability to set realistic expectations and deal with disappointment.

I remember having coaches, overcome with frustration, jumping up and down, and yelling at the top of their lungs at every mistake the team would make. I ask myself why that is, and I believe that aside from not controlling their temper, it is having unrealistic expectations. A coach can expect perfect passes and strong defensive moves, but if these expectations do not align with the team's skill level, the coach will inevitably be disappointed. This disappointment does not say anything about the team but is instead a powerful statement about the coach.

The result of these expectations not being met would generally be frustration and anger (which is a whole other issue worth addressing in the future). My team's performance usually decreased once our coach lost control and replaced instructional advice with rage-filled yelling.

Frustration, anger, disappointment… these things negatively affect our focus, clear-mindedness, and, ultimately, our performance. However, these impactful things can all be controlled by setting realistic expectations.

I cannot approach a soccer game, assuming I will not make a single mistake.

I cannot expect to ace every exam I take.

I cannot hope to have a life without any difficulties.

For, in soccer, there are opponents; in exams, there are difficult questions; and in life, things happen. These things are not easily overcome. False expectations allow hurdles to exploit us and make us destined to fail.

What happens when our expectations are altered?

I can change ‘I will not make any mistakes’ to ‘I will remain calm and focused when I make a mistake’.

I can change ‘I must ace this exam’ to ‘I will focus on what I learn instead of the grade it results in’.

I can change ‘Life should not be this difficult’ to ‘It ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward.’

Yes, I just quoted Rocky.

The bottom line is this:

Your expectations can cause you pain and suffering.

Align your expectations with reality and see yourself flourish.

Control what you can, accept what you can’t.